As all of my nearest and dearest know: I'm an Instagram troll. It has in fact replaced reading for me.
I mean who needs books with a good story line and mental stimulation when you have a gazillion Instafamous broads living out their drama for you via pictures?
As a feminist and semi-decent human being, I know I need to get
a life back to reading and stop laughing at these women while drooling over Amber Rose's ass. But I'm human,love a good laugh, and I like a good ass; so don't be surprised if I do another post talking about how instagram broads make me giggle and how I should stop making fun of them (I said I was half-decent).
Anyway, to my point of trolling Instagram,
it brought me to the realization that I roll my eyes a lot being that it is a new year, I have noticed an upsurge of women doing their annual Diet resolutions and showing weight loss progress for motivation. I mean there is a plethora of #Fitsporation [*in my valley girl voice* I sound so insty right. *tosses hair, and yes that's a statement not a question*] women out there. Women who have lost over a hundred pounds through hard physical exercise and healthy eating. I mean they have Instagrammed their journey from losing that ass to building that ass.
And yes, in case you are wondering I only exclusively follow #fitsporations with ass, because I have one, and in my imagination when I lose all my weight it will still be possible to have my current donkey ass and no stomach without plastic surgery, and I need the visuals to prove it. I would be lying if I said these women do not motivate me with their picture stories, but I am not a normal person.
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#NoFilter #SemiSideEye #DogSaidNoPics #ISpeakInsty #HashtagAddiction
Here is grown up Cyn looking at Insty weightloss posts*read as Ass pics* not understanding why it took these broads so long to lose the weight when the Mayo diet exist. |
To me resolutions to lose weight or commit to a healthier lifestyle is for people who have never heard of crash diets. And instead of building upon the motivation my #fitsporations are creating; I go: "I'll just go on a diet right before my birthday, I got 9 months, I can do what they did in one year, in one week.. Psssh, 100lbs in one week, totally do-able". I told you my brain is not normal. It tricks me into thinking I am superwoman and can do what no one else can... it also speaks in run-on sentences [deal with it.]
For example, take 11 year old Cyn... she was a husky lil' gal... cute but husky, most of the husk was around the belly and bum (I say bum because it's not appropriate to say an 11 year old has ass... see what I mean it sounds wrong.) Anywho, in an effort to be cool she joined a cheer leading group... and all was cool even when they told her at the beginning of the cheer leading session that she would be marching in the town's parade in a cheer leading outfit. Cyn was so cool that it didn't even phase her when she saw that the uniforms only went up to a kids large.... knowing damn well she was an adult small [on skinny days].
Well her mom was not cool, and seeing this she asked the instructor if they made the uniforms bigger, to which the petite instructor said "Well I have a child's xtra-large that I used when I was bigger, I'm sure she'll fit into it."
So Cyn's mom took the x-large uniform and told Cyn, "Put your ass on a diet!" (Cyn's mom obviously didn't get the memo on how referring to a child's bum as an ASS is inappropriate, but I'm not here to judge her... just pointing out facts.)
So what did Cyn do? She carb loaded with potato chips right before cheer leading practice and had ice cream right afterwards, because in her head she was hypoglycemic. And for the first time in her husky little existence she understood the concept of maintaining weight... exercise=more food=score! And up until this point this is perhaps the happiest she'd ever been stuffing her cute little face with pizza without her mom noticing, because guess what ... her pants still fit. Her pants, as in size adult small, the ones with extra wiggle room around the bum. Cyn was still cool.
Cyn was actually cool up until four days before the parade. What burst Cyn's coolness? Her mother, who made her try on her uniform in case she had lost weight and needed to be altered. [Really, Cyn's mom is low-key evil.] So there was Cyn four days before the parade on the floor writhing on a carpet in order roll on her shorts.
Yes, I said roll on shorts. If you don't know the struggle of rolling on polyester cheer leading shorts, you have never really struggled.
And after the longest 15 minutes of her life she slowly levitated off the ground. I say levitated, because if she had as so much bent to get up, those things would have split open.
And as Cyn caught her breath after the workout that is levitation she said "See they fit, ma"
And after noticing that Cyn's bum-crack was making an appearance, she said "Roll them off, get your girdle"
The problem with girdles is that even though they are great for taming the tummy, they do absolutely freaking nothing for bums that have to fit into child size clothing. But because Cyn was *and still is* afraid of her mom, she obliged, and after another life-long 20 minute workout, she said:
"So, you want to write me a sick note?"
Cyn's mom wasn't having it, and after an hour long explanation of where money comes from, Cyn obliged to go on the Mayo Clinic 3-day diet [look it up, it's a real thing]. So there Cyn was, three days before the parade eating grapefruit with a side of black coffee... hating life.
But guess what... that uniform went over her bum on parade day. The fact that she still couldn't move around, is beside the point.. the outfit fit and she learned that 3-day crash diets can work.
Moral of this long story: I don't understand why it takes so long to lose weight.
